Friday, August 16, 2013

Game Of Thrones Explains How To Vote

I wrote this a few months back, but still feel it is as relevant as ever with the election date only weeks away now.

Edit: GetUp! has a Game Of Seats video out now, check it out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFOU1F5Cmpg
(My writing brief was to try having Game Of Thrones characters explain the Australian preferential voting process in a rap, so it may get a little convoluted. Perhaps try the official website for a simplified overview: http://www.aec.gov.au/voting/How_to_vote/Voting_Senate.htm )

 

So you want to vote for Senate and the House Of Reps?
Better grab a notepad and write down these easy steps
And before you have completed your electoral sheets
Spread the word on how to vote by tweeting hashtag #GameOfSeats

 
Got a Federal Election set for the 7th of September
Every adult citizen must vote, regardless of race or gender
When you’re numbering your ballot preferences, remember
Like Theon Greyjoy, every box must be filled by a member
 
 
The House of Representatives
Tends to be quite argumentative
Independents, Libs, Nats, Greens, Labor
Find them all on your green paper


 To ensure pure authority
Gotta win absolute majority
Fiddy ‘Cent plus one. Half, plus a head
The least popular has their ballots spread
To the nominee numbered as the second preference
If no winner has made up the difference
Keep repeating, round after round
Until a clear victor is found

 
So don’t think your vote goes to waste
Even if your first choice hasn’t placed
Take it from this royal midget
Brother, you don’t want to miss a single digit
 
 
Upper, Lower, in the House
Time to turn this party out
People, choose your chamber elites
And change up the names in this Game of Seats
Hit the booth and vote, forsooth
From old to youth, uphold the truth
 
Now hold your horses, people, wait one minute
I’ve yet to get to voting-in the members of the Senate
For in parliament of Canberra, it must be understandable
 The government is bicameral (and hence not eunuch-ameral)

 
 
So whilst Lower House majority is insurmountable
The Senate has power to keep their actions accountable
Every bill, they can choose to amend it
Or deny, block supply, and end it
Not be locked into soulless hypocrisy
Of hollow party policy, democracy defended
 
 
Imagine, a PM ruling with an iron fist
With power over both Houses - you know what a tyrant is?
If the Senate majority is the party ruling
There would be no opposition numbers for fair duelling
Such a government could suppress any voice that’s unsavoury
Pass bills without challenge, such as Work Choices slavery


No prevention of Intervention, Asylum Seeker Detention
Or contention for ending the Disability pension

 
So to counter this possibility, the best defence is
First, be sure of your party's chosen preferences
You can vote above the line, adding just a 1 is fine
Or below you must go every row - every member, a number you must assign

 
 
The system is preferential, each transfer vote has potential
To have swing that is influential, so your numbering is essential
There are 76 Upper House positions
States vote in 12 (territories, 2 politicians)
 
Thus, we tally up the number of the formal votes they’ve won
Divide it by the number of Senate posts, plus one
Then we add one to THAT number to determine the Quota

So ta keep the playing field even, we ask each voter
To keep in mind which major party would win seats in the Senate
By votes transferred on by a minor party or Independent
 
 
And who would benefit from quota surplus transferred to others
Which could smother Senate numbers with one ensemble of brothers
There are many House bannermen for the Wolves and the Lions
And so too, your Senate members will each have an alliance

 
 
From the Carers to Democrats, to the Shooters And Fishers
Vote for Sex or for Hemp or for Socialist politicians
For 6 years they will keep in check even the best minister
I wish Westoros had a system more like Westminster

Keep your government modest, just make one lasting promise
Vote your Senate in wisely and let’s keep those bastards honest
 
Upper, Lower, in the House
Time to turn this party out
People, choose your chamber elites
And change up the names in this Game of Seats
Hit the booth and vote, forsooth
From old to youth, uphold the truth

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

So I Lost My First Rap Battle

 
After many years of procrastination, I finally coughed up US$15 and entered my first online rap battle tournament. Having been familiarised to the 'scene' as pretty much 99% of the world was solely through Eminem's 2003 film 8 Mile and from there dabbling with the hoards of other white text emcees who like writing words that rhyme good, to following the battlerap successes of Australians Justice, Anecdote and 360 a few years back on the US scene, I stepped up to the online mic arena where one must spit dem phat lyrics over a dope beat.

 
And apparently did terribly.
Yeah, you did terribly bad
Your expression now is unbearably sad
3-1-3!

I hesitated in making this response, until a Canadian rapper friend randomly commented
"First four lines end in 'nobody'. WHAAAAT." which were my sentiments exactly, and hopefully others will recognise how poorly crafted my opponent's battle rap actually was.

I consider myself a rather decent rapper. Every single verse I have written since 2003 has been polysyllabic. From the hundreds of thousands to millions of lyrics I've written over the past decade, you will not find a single song parody or rap that does not have at least two rhymes per sentence, and rhyming two to seven sounds at a time. (I'm fucking brilliant, is what I'm saying.)

After my previous YouTube account was deleted, taking with it my 120 or so subscribers, I started again from nothing and have since managed to clock up 465,000 views on  my Die Antwoord parody, 85,000 views dropping a rap on Letters & Numbers, 58,000 views for a Hilltop Hoods parody that they retweeted and posted on Facebook and 10,000 views apiece for my Linkin Park and Eminem parodies. Considering I barely had 60 subscribers at the time I would like to think these views come from people sharing what they find with others because there is some sense of quality content being enjoyed there.

Anyhow, to this rap battle, and a little critique from inside the mind of Nib as to why I am completely at a loss as to why I am at a loss here. When you are paired up with an opponent for a rap battle, your disses and punches and jokes should be related to that person. You can wax lyrical as much as you want about being so dope, and how you fucked your opponent's mum, and they're gay, and gonna get beat up in the alley after the show... but that arbitrary expendable waffle could be aimed at anyone and copy/pasted into any battle.
A truly talented emcee demonstrates their spontaneous creativity and rhyming skill by being able to make their jokes uniquely relevant to their opponent. If they have a lisp, you make lisp jokes. If they are wearing a raincoat, you make I Know What You Did Last Summer jokes. If their name is SuperFly you make fly swatting jokes and references to kryptonite. Your badass bravado about skilleting them with a fisherman's knife and strangling them with fishing rod wire is completely irrelevant if their name has nothing to do with fishing and they aren't a fisherman by trade. Similarly, dropping ad hominem 'you're a sissy faggot/ dumb bitch loser' lines will get you quickly booed off stage as audiences soon outgrew these lines a decade ago.

Furthermore, bloody well put some effort into rhyming. Rap thrives on lyrical wordplay, puns,  polysyllabism and internal rhymes to maintain 'flow' and sets it apart from your Dr Seuss, Shakespeare or bushman ballad. Weak writing loses you points in my books no matter how cool your gritty DMX vocals are.

With this in mind, I post the below two analyses of my first rap battle, being as objective as possible here in my criteria, and question how the hell I unanimously lost in this scenario:

SugaBezy




*

Nib Oswald





Friday, August 2, 2013

Lorde 'Royals' parody - Royal Baby

 
 
They’re gonna print my likeness on your cash
When they bequeath my role as king, I’ll be ruling
Soon I’ll have found my own princess
Once I’ve worn the crown
The royal family
 
(Yeah, every day is like:)
Royal wreaths, grand dukes, sittin’ on the oak throne
Long reigns, gold crowns, sashes that are silk sewn
Grosvenor Square
We’ve got a battleaxe for our Queen
(We rule the Commonwealth!)
Mattress stack gets piled up on a green pea
Horse reins, Ireland, Harry smoking hashish
Rightful heir
My poor father’s losing all his hair

We’re the sovereign royals (Royals!)
Polo on a prized stud
A formal tux to eat my lunch
You slave away to make a crust
I shall be your ruler (Ooh-err!)
You can call me King Gee
This baby will rule
(O’er you and you and you!)
For the Windsor dynasty
 
Our London tower is stacked with gold
We hunt for foxes in the rain with our Corgis
I’ve got a sceptre, orb and ro-o-o-o-obes
My bloodline is rich
Your peasant life is crummy

(My every butler brings:)
Roast beef, roast goose, drippings and roast mushrooms
Champagne, boars, trout, pheasants with my gilt spoon
Millionaire
I dive in caviar for a swim
(We’ve got the governance!)
Bristol, Cambridge, highness on your 5 pence
Sirs, Dames, Knights, Lords, titles of a fresh prince
We all sneer
You weren’t brought up in a house of peers
 
We’re the sovereign royals (Royals!)
Pippa’s got a great butt
Our coat of arms really kick arse
With lions, unicorns and such
From the line of Tudors (Nudists!)
Flashing bods obscenely
We’ll show our Crown Jewels
(Crown Jewels, Crown Jewels, Crown Jewels!)
We love royal scandal, see
 
Stone of Scone
Oakwood throne
Rose!
We wipe with mink in our latrine
My pram is more a limousine
Noble folks
Opal clothes
Bows!
Kate Moss will be my new au pair
When you’re brought up on this high a chair
 
We’re forever your royals (Royals!)
Pardon me, like Thomas Blood
But it’s deluxe being your boss
My coronet with shiny cross
Life is so luxuriant (Lucre!)
In Westminster Abby
This baby will rule
(O’er you and you and you!)
In the royal monarchy