Friday, January 30, 2015

Miss Universe Australia National Costumes: A Review


Last week marked The 63rd Miss Universe Pageant, an annual showcase of the most stunning beauty on the planet which billionaire Donald Trump requires to harness and use in regenerating the carcinogenic cell tissue that putrefies beneath his ghastly wig.
You're fired.

Every year, the Parade of Nations segment displays an array of iconic national symbolism from each country’s representative, in the form of a horrendously ghastly fashion calamity. Australia has certainly not shied away from serving numerous offenses to the palate of visual aesthetic over the years with our efforts in national costume design. We pay tribute to these abominations below:

 
2004 – Jennifer Hawkins
 
DESIGNER VISION:
"The traditional frock is a vintage dress line I did when I was in college and depicts the Harbour and foreshores from an aerial view."
- Paris Dwyer


 WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE
The aftermath of a Western Australian coal miner having cleaned his face with a Wet Wipe and used it to blow his nose; not necessarily in that order.
I’ll stick to Google Maps, thanks.

 
2005 – Michelle Guy
 
DESIGNER VISION:

I have scoured dozens of articles online trying to source the designer of this monstrosity.
All I could find was:
“Exactly who was responsible for the ‘national costume’ worn by Perth teenager Michelle Guy during the Miss Universe competition? It seems no-one is owning-up as the creative genius behind the feathery, gum-nutted floral extravaganza, complete with Crocodile Dundee top hat, which has been derided by fashion critics back home...”
- Sydney Morning Herald, May 31st 2005

WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE
You know a design is bad when the creator remains anonymous. Let’s put Nan’s tablecloth back in the cupboard, hang the floral wreath back up on the dunny wall and never speak of that blasphemous headwear ever again under the sanctity of all that is humanly decent.

 
2006 – Erin McNaught
 
DESIGNER VISION:
Tsk tsk, another cowardly designer laying low from the public backlash of committing the fabric equivalent of a war crime by not attaching their name to their patriotic aberration.
(Utterly understandable.)


WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A slutty Halloween costume of Rescue Rangers: Down Under.

 
2007 – Kimberley Busteed
 
DESIGNER VISION:
 “It wasn't up to designers to choose. We just got told what to wear. I thought it showed off Australia well and me as well. It presented the girl that I am."
- Kimberley Busteed 

WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A Little Nippers advertisement in the local newspaper. Pigtails and pink sandals? Come on, guys, this is a MISS UNIVERSE pageant broadcast to over a billion people around the world.

 
2008 – Laura Dundovic
 
DESIGNER VISION:
 Rather than drawing inspiration from Australian characters, such as surfers and shearers, I want to express the natural elements of the country - the colour and shape to create a beautiful sweeping gown that will comment on the sea, sand and desert.”
- Jayson Brundson

WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A jellyfish was put through an inkjet printer during a cyan test print.

 
2009 – Rachael Finch
 
DESIGNER VISION:
“A Sunset Over the Opera House creation featuring a silver sequined bodice; a leg-revealing skirt in shades of tangerine, melon and pink; flashes of flesh and a lace-up back.”
- Ruth Tarvydas

WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A surgical instructional video on vajazzling.

 
2010 – Jesinta Campbell
 
DESIGNER VISION:
Not even kidding, the designer of this dress tried funding their effort with a $3,000 Pozible kickstarter. It fell short of target after raising only $500 in pledges.
“[The costume] will ooze our rich, unique landscapes by contrasting textures and fabrics. I hope to use elements that are iconic to Australia and want to show our indigenous heritage through colour and mix media.”
- Natasha Dwyer

WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A How To Train Your Dragon character fell into a pile of Vegemite labels on their way to Starbucks.

 
2011 - Scherri-Lee Biggs
 
DESIGNER VISION:
“The costume was inspired by Australia's breathtaking landscapes. It represents the whole country from coast to the centre… with a vivid gold belt buckle to represent our booming mining industry.”
- Kooey designer Nikki Silverthorne

WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A Despicable Me minion vomiting mulled berry punch everywhere.

 
2012 - Renae Ayris
 
 
DESIGNER VISION:
“I want the design to represent everything golden, prosperous and lucky about Australia… to be really fresh and bright and also represent the sunsets of Australia. It is inspired by the sails of the Sydney Opera House.”
- Jessica Bregenhoj

WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A Greek goddess from one of those ‘guilty pleasure’ cream cheese commercials marketed to young suburban stay-at-home mothers.

 
2013 – Olivia Wells
 
DESIGNER VISION:
"I wanted to show the curves of the female form, whilst combining elements of Australian beaches (the cascade of sparkling jewels). The sexy silhouette reflects our weather and beach culture. The ostrich feather reflects Australia's unique fauna…  I grew up by the sand and water, and had seen a documentary on the Great Barrier Reef's ecosystems.”
- Jason Chetcuti

 WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
A toilet brush after being dipped into a cistern full of Duck brand bowl-rim disinfectant.


 2014 – Tegan Martin
 
DESIGN VISION:
My costume is inspired by the Dreamtime [with permission from the Wurundgeri tribe]. This gown represents the oldest, ancient, island continent on earth; rich in minerals; surrounded by the azure blue Pacific, Indian and Southern oceans; and embraced by brilliant sunsets.”
- Caitlin Holstock

 WHAT IT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE:
The third chick from the Destiny Child’s Survivor music video who nobody remembers.



 
With Australia having a rather lazy sense of national identity (What are our national colour themes? True Blue? Green & Gold? Sydney Harbour whites? Earthy outback tones? Sun and surf?) it will always be difficult to represent our continental nation in chiffon form as our representative sash sashays down the runway - but heck, surely professional designers can do a bit better than this line-up of cringe-inducing frock shocks and thumbs-down gown creations?

 
COSTUME IDEAS FOR MISS UNIVERSE AUSTRALIA 2015:

- Craft a giant cubic foam lamington costume

- I’m A Barbie Girl (including shrimp headdress chucked on top)

- Staple Yahoo Serious to the pageant contestant

 - Pay tribute to our monarchist overlords by wearing a Union Jack morphsuit and cape
 
- A lifesized goon bag pegged to a revolving Hills Hoist

 

Anastasia ("Anaconda" Nicki Minaj 50 Shades of Grey parody)

ANASTASIA
(to the tune of "Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj)
 
 My Anastasia don't... my Anastasia don't...
My Anastasia don't want none unless you cause harm, son

Hey bae named Grey, lives in Washington State
Bought rope from a Bunnings with a carton of tape 
Got my booty red and raw, gonna give it a callous
Spite and malice, making me scream
With his beatings and violence
How I squeal, squeal, squeal
You know I’ll squirt, check the stains on this Steele
Who wanna get hurt? I got him dusting off his drill
A Tylenol will be my morning after pill
I’ll be your drumkit
 
Christian Grey, wanna flay
Gonna swell as he whipping my weals
Thumbs, I have stuck ‘em under both of his heels
Laying on a Catherine Wheel
Watch my dripping blood congeal
He keep ‘nailing’ me for real
Hit with an electric eel
‘cause he love when I’m groaning
He want something he can stab
Then he’ll pull off every scab
Muffled by my rubber gag like
“Mmph-hrmmph-hmm-rrmph-hrmmph-mmph!”
 
My Anastasia don't... my Anastasia don't...
My Anastasia don't want none unless you cause harm, son
 
Bowline knots… look at her cut
Those iron rods … look at her clot
Snow white bod… look at her smut
Look at that slut (Struck on her butt)
 
This dude’s a psycho with his Dominance bible
Such rigour in his power, it’s so ‘suite’ when he’s ‘bridle’
Black vinyl and zippers, verging on homicidal
When he says he’d ‘tap’ that deep, he be talking ‘bout ‘spinal’
Then it’s clang clang clang
I let him hit it as I hang from chains
He dropping acid on my ankle sprains
I love the pain and ache from muscular strains
Plucking my armpits
 
Fifty Shades, E. L. James
Gonna swell as he whipping my weals
Thumbs, I have stuck ‘em under both of his heels
Laying on a Catherine Wheel
Watch my dripping blood congeal
He keep ‘nailing’ me for real
God, I love the taste of steel
And he love when I’m moaning
Now he got a paddle bat
Soon I’ll need a bodybag
My autopsy on the slab like
“More more more more more more!”
 
My Anastasia don't... my Anastasia don't...
My Anastasia don't want none unless you cause harm, son
 
Bowline knots… look at her cut
Those iron rods … look at her clot
Snow white bod… look at her smut
Look at that slut (Struck on her butt)
 
Crippling my nipples and a hot whipcrack
Dribbling my spittle as you talk that smack
Whip me in the hip until my butt’s crosshatched
No light stuff… hook in my gut
 
My Anastasia don't... my Anastasia don't...
My Anastasia don't want none unless you cause harm, son
My Anastasia don't... my Anastasia don't...
Don't want none unless you cause harm, son

Bowline knots… look at her cut
Those iron rods … look at her clot
Snow white bod… look at her smut
Look at that slut (Struck on her butt)
 
Uh, he love my black straps
Uh-uh-uh-uh
Yeah, this one is for my missies who got that knack to be stuck as Sub
I said, “Where my sadist Sub-missives getting clubbed?”
I’ll need twenty stitches, getting hit by switches in the butt
I wanna see all the sick-sad-men-with-riches-and-a-mother-complex sob
Stuff you if you don’t get vicious
Hit me!
Yeah, my safe word’s “Hit me more!”
Come on!

*whip crack*